Agatha (agathazephyr) wrote in silent_tremble,

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my greatest fear

I wrote this in a brief conversation to a person over comments, and I wanted to share it here... somehow, I think there might be many other people out there like me that feel this same exact way.

I think that my greatest fear is that I lost myself long ago in the midst of a disorder. When I'm happy, I never know if I am just having a manic episode. When I am sad, I never know if it's a legitimate, justified emotion, or my feelings running out of control. I fear that I don't really know myself- who I am outside of this disorder that's consumed and controlled so many aspects of my life- and if I do not know myself, how is anyone else ever going to really know me? I don't want to be the Bipolar daughter / sister / friend who may lose it at any moment. I want to be me... and I lost the chance to just be me a very long time ago.

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