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Silently Trembling

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[Thursday, February 3rd, 2005 @ 4:21pm]

Hi. I've joined recently, and this seems like a fine community.

I'm not sure if I have Major Depression or Bipolar, or something in between.

I go through spurts of seeing everything in a beautiful moonbeam. I look at the cystaline ice in my cup and think about the sheer beauty of blankets of snow covering mountaintops and hilltops where true lovers gather to say their propals as the sky burns with pink and orange flame above them.

A week later I'll look at the ice and see how cold and hard life is, how a mammoth somewhere slowly froze to death as it was encaged in jagged blades of frost and snow..

I'm also a self harmer. I get so depressed sometimes and I have noone to talk to; my home life is nothing to be desired; I have no friends other than two who I can only communicate with on the computer and through long-distance telephone calls. I really do want to stop, but I can't find anything to replace it with. Writing is the only thing that's worked so far, but it sometimes ends up upseting me more. I can't get out of the house to do anything physical, my CD player eats up new batteries in a day, I can't do much of anything really.. I've tried drawing, but I can't think of anything to draw when I'm upset. I've tried pillow-punching, but it doesn't do much for me.

Does anyone have any suggestions?
Tell Me How You Feel

Pain [Tuesday, March 9th, 2004 @ 8:28am]

[ mood | restless ]

If happiness is a state of mind, then my mind is an winged beast soaring then landing. Soaring. Then landing. Up and down. When can I just soar for eternity? Is that ever an option? Winged beasts do not have this option, so perhaps neither do I. I wonder though...the theory that the weak die off, and the strongest live...if this was true in only the mental part of one's existence, would I be the first to go? Would I be considered weak and vulnerable? Or..because I've been through so much turmoil, felt every emotion capable for a man to feel, have been in a hole of darkness for different years of my life, and yet I am still here, would I be considered..the fittest of my kind?

Tell Me How You Feel

my greatest fear [Friday, September 5th, 2003 @ 3:54pm]

[ mood | okay ]

I wrote this in a brief conversation to a person over comments, and I wanted to share it here... somehow, I think there might be many other people out there like me that feel this same exact way.

I think that my greatest fear is that I lost myself long ago in the midst of a disorder. When I'm happy, I never know if I am just having a manic episode. When I am sad, I never know if it's a legitimate, justified emotion, or my feelings running out of control. I fear that I don't really know myself- who I am outside of this disorder that's consumed and controlled so many aspects of my life- and if I do not know myself, how is anyone else ever going to really know me? I don't want to be the Bipolar daughter / sister / friend who may lose it at any moment. I want to be me... and I lost the chance to just be me a very long time ago.

6 Expressions|Tell Me How You Feel

*waves* [Thursday, September 4th, 2003 @ 1:49am]

Hello! I'm daughterofeve and the dear agathazephyr has made me co-owner of this community.

I actually felt more in a mood to write in this community yesterday. It was one of those days that just felt so free ... like I could say anything and not hold back. But for whatever reason, when I do get in those moods, I never seem to get the chance to say all I'd like to. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I know I can't that I feel like I could.

I will say this, though. I struggle with depression. I struggle with thoughts about harming myself, although I haven't actually done anything in a few years. Sometimes I still feel like there's no hope, even though I know there always is. I feel like a such contriction sometimes, because I am generally such a cheerful person, and yet there's a part of me that is still in so much pain. But then I think perhaps the part of me that is so sad isn't a part to be rejected and hidden, but accepted. It almost seems to drive other aspacts of me; my creativity, in particular. But even that has seemed drained lately. I don't care about feeling normal; I've long ago given up belief in there being such a thing; but I do wish I felt like I was in control. I don't want to feel afraid of myself, not knowing when my own mind will turn against me.
Tell Me How You Feel

Gemini [Sunday, August 31st, 2003 @ 10:28pm]

[ mood | accomplished ]

Before I knew I was Bipolar, I used to explain to myself the way that I acted, by saying that I was born under the sign of Gemini and therefore I could not help that I was happy one moment and sad the next. It was never scientific or a certain answer to me, but somehow pretending that the answer lay there helped me to feel better. I wasn't a horrible person. I was a Gemini, just like any other. Everyone knows that Gemini's have two faces, like night and day, happiness and sadness. It was all I had to hold onto when I was told by so many people as I grew up that I acted the way I wanted to because I was "bad", and that I didn't try hard enough in school because I was lazy.

To this day, I still hold onto it to a certain degree. There are still those I come across in life that do not understand. They do not accept that I was professionally diagnosed. They do not care that it is a widely accepted mental disorder. They havn't even really tried to understand the disorder or my experiences with it because it is easier for them to assume. And it is then that I latch onto what has always given me hope; the knowledge that I am a person like any other who was given an unfortunate struggle in her life and became stronger because of it. It has made me strong and able to overcome any ignorance that comes my way.

xposted to my livejournal, agathazephyr

Tell Me How You Feel

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