Agatha (agathazephyr) wrote in silent_tremble,

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my greatest fear

I wrote this in a brief conversation to a person over comments, and I wanted to share it here... somehow, I think there might be many other people out there like me that feel this same exact way.

I think that my greatest fear is that I lost myself long ago in the midst of a disorder. When I'm happy, I never know if I am just having a manic episode. When I am sad, I never know if it's a legitimate, justified emotion, or my feelings running out of control. I fear that I don't really know myself- who I am outside of this disorder that's consumed and controlled so many aspects of my life- and if I do not know myself, how is anyone else ever going to really know me? I don't want to be the Bipolar daughter / sister / friend who may lose it at any moment. I want to be me... and I lost the chance to just be me a very long time ago.

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I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder a few years ago, and it seems to me that once your classified as one of those people with a mental illness, it becomes hard for others to perceive you as "normal". Even if your on a mild emotional rollercoaster, people like to attribute your feelings to the illness, and as a result, at least for me, I attempt to shut down any type of emotion I have, which increases the likelihood of another bout of depression or mania...I would prefer to call it sad and happy, though. There much nicer terms, and plus there not so stigmatized.
Well, I've made one leap towards ever being percieved as normal ever again... I created a new journal- a journal exclusively for writing about the good in my life... the shining moments of normalcy. I recently had a guy that read through my journal and put a review of it in his, claiming that no body could get through my journal without slitting their wrists, and many other, far more cruel things (keep in mind that I did not ask for this, like when you go to a rating community and ask for one. He just did it). He doesn't seem to realize that I have a mental disorder, and writing here is my way of dealing with it. Like therapy. Instead of talking to someone, I am writing to someone... myself, and anyone else that happens to read it. But then, he inspired an idea (in the midst of being an asshole with a mission to hurt people)... perhaps writing about my happy moments will help me even more. I'm also thinking about not using this journal anymore. The violation just kind of ruined it for me.

Now that I've rambled.

Thank you for the comment. It really is good to know that there are others out there that know what it is like, and it helps... :)
Oh, and by the way. When I got your comment in my journal, it didn't say that it was a comment to my post in silent_tremble - I just wanted to make clear that I still will have this community up, even if I do stop writing in agathazephyr, and I'd still be posting here. :) So, feel free to join if you want. :) We could use the members, still being relatively new as a community. :)
Thanks for your response, I do agree that when you tend to focus on the negatives in your life, even when it's an attempt to simply ramble on a page, it sometimes tends to worsen your condition. You have the right idea by creating a journal specifically for your periods of normalcy. I may join, I'm not sure, anyway, take it easy.
My situation isn't completely related, because I never was bipolar. On the other hand, I was a cutter, then realized how depressed I was after cutting, and became suicidal. It was like I couldn't feel anything for such a long time. I never wanted my parents to know, so I hid everything, until my best friend went behind my back and worried the family that depends on me for support. I mean, I finally got over cutting (okay I only stopped a few months ago..but still it feels like a lot longer..), and realized I was destroying the lives of everyone around me, but every now and then I think about what a strain I am on everyone as a useless person who just keeps making mistakes. I wish I had not created more problems for them by being so screwed up. Yeah, I have to lie and smile like I NEVER think about what was a major part of my life that I hid and somehow embraced more than anything happy--I still view several happy ideas as naive--for a long time. Well, yeah, I don't think I can be myself anymore either and I hope to get past the feeling of always wanting to get away from here soon.
-(Yeah, sorry about the length of this, I'm not quite sure when to use the tag thing...)