I actually felt more in a mood to write in this community yesterday. It was one of those days that just felt so free ... like I could say anything and not hold back. But for whatever reason, when I do get in those moods, I never seem to get the chance to say all I'd like to. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I know I can't that I feel like I could.
I will say this, though. I struggle with depression. I struggle with thoughts about harming myself, although I haven't actually done anything in a few years. Sometimes I still feel like there's no hope, even though I know there always is. I feel like a such contriction sometimes, because I am generally such a cheerful person, and yet there's a part of me that is still in so much pain. But then I think perhaps the part of me that is so sad isn't a part to be rejected and hidden, but accepted. It almost seems to drive other aspacts of me; my creativity, in particular. But even that has seemed drained lately. I don't care about feeling normal; I've long ago given up belief in there being such a thing; but I do wish I felt like I was in control. I don't want to feel afraid of myself, not knowing when my own mind will turn against me.